Date:	2009-10-18 12:38
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	lethargic

I need to reorient myself. The way I feel right now, I could just disappear if the opportunity presented itself. I'm not saying I want to 'die'. No. Just saying that if some glowing white angel came to me in a dream and gave me the choice to continue life on earth or move on to the next reality, I might not come back.

In learning about Buddhism, I can see the entire evolution of my thought process, right from the moment of realizing the suffering, the understanding of why the suffering happens, that there must be a way out of the suffering, and the way out is the path. It's just that when I got to the 'path' part, I took the path to the right.

It's sort of amazing to think about. From my interpretation, the Buddha never meant to establish a religion of it's own...the four noble truths on their own are more like an outline of a thought process. Yes, there is much more detail and many more teachings, and today it is practiced in a spectrum far beyond what the Buddha ever intended, but I think at it's core it is a commentary on the way we think and the pathway to lead us out of our own misery.


I bring this all up because, if that white angel came to me with those options, the only thing that holds me back is attachment. The source of suffering. The wanting to keep the things I love. But none of those things are mine. They are just temporary gifts from the Universe [Allah swt], none of this was ever ours to keep.

Most of the turning points in my life [and as I've witnessed in other's lives as well] come at the moment when we are truly and honestly ready to just let go. Cut the cords, no matter how hard it might be. If we never get to that point, then change never comes, and our lives grow stale.

Date:	2009-10-13 01:43
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	sleepy

I am haunted by a girl,
She has lived and died through me
And the flesh I carry on these bones,
Is not any part of me

I am haunted by a girl,
Her voice echoes when I speak
She once moved this tongue and loved this song,
But I've asked her not to be

I am haunted by a girl,
I am followed by her face
Every mirror passed, every shining glass,
Is a hollow empty space

And I know it isn't healthy,
I know ghosts are meant to pass,
But this life was never ours to live,
The only certainty is death
So the living, breathing, soul I am,
Tells my body, 'this won't last.'

Date:	2009-09-01 00:43
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	amused

i am convinced that everything is actually just insanity and we are all mocking reality by assuming that this is sane.

i really feel so...compelled at times. like i get this idea to just do something crazy and i feel this bubble of excitement at the possibility. then i laugh at myself and keep doing whatever it is i was supposed to be doing.

i don't know why people need drugs. the world is so strange and unfamiliar as it is. when i was really, really 'in' the world, the escape made sense, but now i think the escape is just a state of mind. once you live in it, you don't need anything else because reality is already irreversibly warped.

i enjoy the people i experience life with. even if we are having two completely separate experiences. i don't care that sometimes [often] i live in 'la-la land'...and i also don't care that sometimes i have to hide that for the sake of stable interactions. i really don't. it's just part of the experience.

i am also grateful that my faith keeps me from getting too close to the edge of the cliff. it keeps me back when otherwise i might just leap and fall. it pulls my eyes back to focus where they need to be. it doesn't let me just totally and utterly cut off this world. there is reason behind everything, and there is reason in why we exist on earth to live these very peculiar lives. the most 'normal' lives to me are the most strange and comical because the way we handle things can be so hilarious. i do it as well. overreact. get sucked in.

step back, look around. it sure is funny...

-I found God, on the corner of 1st and Amistad....



I feel explosive. Bursting from the seams with love and joy. Just from the love of life and this wonderful chance to exist..and the gratefulness that drips from my every experience. All of the papers are folding, one on top of the other, and all those moments are becoming one and the same.


I am somewhere in the middle, with a view in all directions. The spinning makes me feel lost in the most beautiful of ways. Like floating on the rush of waves and life. We could all have never known each other, but we do. This all might never have happened, but it did.

And we have everything we'll ever need to complete this journey. We were born with it. Something sleeps inside of us. Something that grows wings. And then we take flight. Everything becomes clearer, and we step outside of the perceptions that we had. Form new ones.


Thank you so much. For helping me move forward. I don't have to leave anything behind, but I don't have to take it all with me. Somethings are only shadows, and others are signs and reminders, taking us back to places we would have long forgotten were it not for that subtle clue.


I know so many beautiful people. I have an endless well of love and the more buckets that fill and crash, the more love there is. I really feel aware of the shifting levels of love and passion that I witness in life. That WE witness in life.


-All alone, smoking his last cigarette, I said, "Where've you been?" He said, "Ask anything."

i have no idea what other people think or how they see. i have no idea what i used to be or how i came to be that way or change. these are the two big abstracts in my zone 1 life.


i find it impossible to create any meaningful connections with almost anyone. this was my biggest fear. the loneliness. but there was no other choice. i shifted, and once that happened, and for long enough, there was no going back even if inside sometimes, in ignorance, i secretly wish for a way to undo what has been done. astaghfiruallah, be grateful, right? yes.


i am so thirsty. so incredibly thirsty. for more connections, more truth, more knowledge, and more people to share this experience with. i really know in my heart that every single person can flip their minds at just the right angle, maybe by accident, perhaps deliberately, and they can let the waterfalls come rushing.


we are alien souls living inside bodies that we are born into but know nothing about. i can tell you we knew nothing about these bodies when we came into this world. we had to cut open those who had departed, and examine their organs, develop tools so that we could see the tiny microorganisms that are central to life, and form millions of hypothesis, both right and wrong, and we continue this process today.


these bodies are gifts. perfect creations, handcrafted by the hands of the Universe, the one, the only. every single thing that happens has a meaning, or a sign, or an effect woven into its fabric. sometimes these threads are easier to see, but at times they blend and are hidden.


this world that most of us are living in..its not really the world at all , is it? its a state of mind? a perceived reality that in fact may have little to do with the true nature of what is "real" after all. just how many dimensions are there? the question lends itself to the answer that at least there is more than one.

take off the labels if they make you feel uncomfortable. this isn't about fitting something into the boxes we created when we lived in this "life", its about letting go, so drop everything. its way bigger than anything else we'll ever do. add up the evidence, assemble all the facts, and let the truth speak for itself.


be open to all things. take the best of what comes your way as far as information and emotions are concerned. somewhere there is a scale inside of us, and a compass. we use both to keep us on the right track. just start digging.



there is nothing that can't be explained, we just don't have the answers yet, and maybe we were never meant to. this whole process of dissection, both of bodies and minds, maybe this is part of the bigger reality. we create mysteries only so we can go back and solve them.


open your eyes!

schooooools out for the summmmmmaaa!!


managed to bang out a B in both classes, which isn't phenomenal but certainly acceptable, and for this i am gratefullll!!! could've had an A in english if i tried the first few papers....my grades for essays went, 72, 75,75, then suddenly i started trying ...92, 90 x2, 100 x2....so yea feel pretty silly for not bothering on the first few cause that A would have helped my gpa loads.

anatomy & phys i have a solid B in, and that was a tough class and i worked full time this whole semester so i am happy with that.

basically, i got straight B's this year, which again, isnt AMAZING, but I am happy that I did not let myself get a C in anything, because that would just be so counter productive and hurt my gpa...


now i can just work a ton and save a bunch of money!


wahooo!

i just checked up on "what was i doing this time 3,4,5 years ago?" in my journal calendar.

now i feel even worse about my lack of time off due to the interesting fact that all the entries around this time in years past something fun and foreign was happening. greece, italy, costa rica.

i'm glad i did those things. at least i can remember that i once had time to travel. pathetic.



goodnight.

Date:	2008-04-03 11:03
Subject:	my heart has started to seperate
Security:	Public
Mood:	awake

forgive the urgency...

i wanted to say something. just about life and how things go in general. which is what i usually want to say and i think i am repeating myself indefinitely. i probably will be until the day the earth is no longer my home or the setting for my existence.

but while i'm still here i wanted to say something. i feel love. a lot of it. in many, many directions. i don't think love is hard to feel, i think its the easiest thing in the world, and i am constantly feeling it like a wave, it comes in rushes and then subsides.

still i feel it. there is just so much of it in my life, and its a miracle and i pray that everyone else can feel it too. because its everywhere, not just in a person, but in the things that happen around us, the thoughts we think up into dreams, and the past that looks perfect in retrospect. its like being caught up and having your heart tugged on from all surrounding angles.

i feel full and empty all in the same moment. because every wonderful moment moving on, is moving away from another perfect hour in the past.

and sometimes people, things, feelings come in only to stay for a very short moment. as blessings, or tests of our character, and then they move on and we do too. to fulfill some other purpose beyond the short fleeting moments of the present. disappear.

maybe only after these small things go can we feel the bigger things. like a pleasant dream & then waking up to discover what it really means...about who we are or aren't, and what we want or don't. maybe only after waking up can see just how far we let ourselves slip. but then we can thank God. because we can change, we can be grateful, and we can have that chance to think & try.


...if ever there was a doubt, my love she leans into me...this most assuredly counts...

STOP. JUST STOP.

i gave you the benefit of the doubt, thinking maybe you just wanted to discuss current events. but when i asked you about your intentions, my first feeling was true, you're not here to just talk about current world affairs or anything as general as that, you're talking about this because you think you need to warn me about something.

i appreciate your concern for me and my well-being, but i am so far disassociated with the violence and ignorance going on, that frankly it insults me that you would even feel that you should have to "warn" me or protect me from it.

what is it exactly that you expect me to do? what is it that you think i would realize about my own life in comparison to the bloodshed and injustice happening over seas? really...what?

by the grace of God, i don't live there. i have no desire to live there. i'm not interested in what terrorists, rapists, murderers, or fascists think because honestly, i will not associate them with the religion that was given as a mercy to mankind. "You cannot honour the Prophet [saws], by dishonoring his teachings"-Shayk Hamza Yusuf. And yet there are people worldwide doing just this.

It makes me sick. It really does. But you coming over here to tell me some more about what tragedies have been committed by people calling themselves Muslim, does not help anything, is not useful, and accomplishes nothing but making me feel upset with you for acting like the actions of others are part of my responsibility.

You know me. I go to school. I go to work. I feed my cat. I shop. I cook. Whatever. And tell me again, how is it that my life relates to the international turmoil in the middle east again? Oh...right...I call myself a Muslim too....except, you should be able to see a difference between what I'm doing by living a normal life, and what others are doing by rallying for violence, and after you note that difference, you should make a decision about whether or not you really think I'm in DANGER, or you are just afraid of how OTHERS MIGHT JUDGE ME. That's what I thought...

And i refuse I REFUSE to alter my choices, my beliefs, and my faith in order to save me some kind of judgement. Save it. There is only one judge worthy to call the shots on who I am and what I've done, and that is the One who created everything that exists in nature, and who likewise will one day take it all back. I challenge the terrorists, rapists, fascists, and ignorant alike, who call themselves Muslims to LIVE UP TO THE STANDARDS OF THE PROPHET MUHAMMAD SALALLAHU ALAYHI WA"SAlAAM, THAT IS WHAT we should be striving for...so until you think you are PERFECT IN THE EYES OF GOD, stop purporting yourselves the Moral Police and punishing others for being less than perfect, and start focusing inward. BACK DOWN HIJACKERS, YOU'VE MADE A LOT OF MUSLIMS LIVID and theres not enough time in this world to be striving towards good and punishing others, so pick one, and ill give you a hint...Allah will judge each person individually, we will all be personally responsible for NONE other than OURSELVES...


In the name of God, ar-Rahman, ar-Raheem, I beg of you God, please save us

as'salamu aleikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatu


that's it. wanted to update, and now i can't seem to force an entry.




life is moving on. like usual, like it should. things are the same as ever and different still.

hiiii!!!


check out my online shop ;-)....FOR REAL THOUGH! I designed all the products myself :-)

MY SHOP

Date:	2007-03-14 20:33
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	pissy

i am irritable, selfish, and negative.


deal with it.

Date:	2007-03-06 02:01
Subject:	close your eyes, it's something for you
Security:	Public
Mood:	chipper
Music:	ace of base- lucky love

lucky love belongs in teenage heaven, i know, i know....


wow. i don't even know what to say. hahahahahahaha! i've been listening to music from the far past. it's making me feel old. but i'm not old yet. i better not forget that. i don't need to grow up all that fast after all right? time goes and things don't happen, but then you realize that much has changed. what's going on all around? i can't be sure that i'm not going totally crazy, or totally sane. i guess time will have to tell!!


but right now i feel like singing.




i'm a prisoner of hope, i know

And I've got all the world to lose but I just want to hold on to the easy silence that you make for me...

...It's okay when there's nothing more to say to me

Date:	2007-01-08 01:28
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	anxious

who am i?

ben kimim?

quien soy?

chi sono?

hvem aer jeg?


i don't always know. ben herzaman bilmiyorum. no se. non so tutto il tempo. jeg vet ikke.


i guess i'm just feeling a little useless. like a breather. and that's about it. i just breathe. occasionally consume. so i can survive. but i'm not doing much good right now, right? Right.


i don't sleep well cause i'm feeling a bit bored and that makes me restless. i don't want to sleep because i'm just too antsy, like i'm on the edge waiting for something to happen. then i don't sleep, or i toss and turn until it finally comes. then i don't want to wake up, because there just seems to be no point. i'm not doing anybody one ounce of good. not even myself.

essentially: my existence is neutral..leaning towards negative. because if i'm not doing anything positive, than that IS something negative. i better quit this silly crap. i'm being too ridiculous now even for myself.

school will start soon. i'll be swamped. and then...i'll probably miss this restless anxietal stage.


ha... life is funny. :-)

me and my baby boy.

new music

ı was tryıng to fınd my brothers myspace so ı could say:

HAPPY BIRTHDAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

but ı couldnt fınd ıt. so maybe he wıll read thıs..or not. ı dont know ıf he wıll fınd thıs haha..

today he ıs a bıg boy . 16 years old! yay! muahah


ıts the weekend. ı went to the ankara kalesi today. ıt was just lıke an old part of the cıty ınsıde the cıtadel walls. ı thought ıt was pretty neat. but these creepy lıttle kıds followed us. that was not fun. then ı told them to get away. muah haha. ı went wıth a gırl from my class from japan. she ıs havıng a hard tıme here. she ıs very used to the effıcıency of japan and the western lıfestyle and she ıs not very wıllıng to adjust. ı feel bad for her, at least ı knew what ı was gettıng myself ınto. but we are both lonely here so we go out. haha.

tuesday ı thınk ı am goıng out to lunch wıth kelly and steve and hıs wıfe. she ıs turkısh he ıs from australıa and ı thınk ı already mentıoned that kelly ıs a proffessor from the US. ıt should be a nıce tıme ı thınk we are goıng to the revolvıng restaurant. yay.

soooo lıke 6 more weeks. ha ı have to stop keepıng track of tıme or ıt wıl never move. ıts not that ım lıke ahhhh ı need to leave ıts just ım lıke ahhh where are all the people ı love. you all mean so much to me. kısses.

Under the weight of your wings
You are a god and whatever I want you to be
And I wonder if truly you are
Nearly as beautiful as I believe

In my head
Your voice
You've got all that I need
And this make believe will get me through
Another lonely night

Under the weight of your wings
Should ever we meet on your side of your stereo
I will pretend I know not of your thoughts
And even the way that they mirror my own
I'll take you away in the way that you take me and go where I go


me and more lyrics. haha

i don't want to fall to pieces, i just want to sit and stare at you , i don't want to talk about it.
and I don't want a conversation, i just want to cry in front of you.
i don't want to talk about it, because i'm in love with you

want to know who you are, want to know where to start
i want to know what this means??
want to know how you feel, want to know what is real
i want to know everything, everrryyythinggg!